I can’t go back

Feb 8, 2019

This past year has been a very quick and aggressive shake down.


I have lost everything familiar and comfortable in my life.
I have been unraveled to the point of not knowing who I am.


I have recently noticed stories coming up that want to convince others (and myself) of who I used to be, what I was capable of, what all my gifts were, all the work I had done. I realized that I was trying desperately to get back to her. To become her again (just without all the crap that came with it.)


I finally recognized myself holding onto what was, and this has been preventing me from becoming who I am now.


Now, I am not saying this with any sense of self-judgment or shame. Because looking back, I fully see that I couldn’t have gotten to this place of recognition any sooner. There is an order to things that is Divine, and while we have free will and choice and there are infinite possibilities as humans, there are some things we just have to go through.  


I can’t go back to who I was before, to just choose the parts of the previous me that I liked and want to be again. She didn’t exist without all the other crap.


I had to lose it all to find out what has been waiting underneath this whole time.


It is taking way too long. And when I look to my future, all I see is a big ass question mark. I still am not fully comfortable with that. But I am finally ready to let go of the past and sit what feels like the void of the now.


I forgive and embrace all of the parts of myself that have resisted, held on, held back, judged, longed for, blamed and shamed, keeping me stuck and tethered to the past.


It has been a quick and aggressive storm of a death that has simultaneously felt long, slow and drawn out. Now I sit here in between the death and the rebirth. Planted as a seed underground in the middle of winter. I know it will take time before the rebirth, the emerging, the blooming. I’m not super stoked about that, but at the same time I feel a part of me bubbling up that is excited and giddy to see what and who emerges from all of this.


And now I sit in the void in between, submerged deep underground, waiting, ready, longing to rebloom and to meet this new version of me:

Miranda Sophia 11.0