an inner shift from 2018 to 2019

Jan 8, 2019

After the most challenging, painful year of my life, one that included many moments of not thinking I could continue on, I sit at the very steep precipice of 2019.

As I look out over the vast, bottomless space before me and beneath me, my world begins to rumble.

2018 showed me what it was to fall and fail and feel more than I thought was humanly possible, it brought up the deepest, darkest programs that have been driving me for who knows how long, and as I approach this cliff, it is the stories and experiences of 2018 that are loud and swirling and protesting within me.

“Don’t do it!” They cry. “You thought you had hit the bottom before, only to fall further,” they remind me. “If you step off this cliff, you will continue to fall, you will continue to suffer, there is so much more healing to do, so many more steps, so much more to complete. How will you ever return from this place? You are so far away from the light, will you ever remember and return to it?” They go on… and on… and on…

“Maybe,” I reply slowly, “but it’s a long way down, and I am taking a chance on this whisper that promises my wings will emerge just at the right moment, even if there is farther to fall before I rise again.”

The thought of my wings stirs a tingle and pulse of validation along my spine and ripples outwards through the back of my lungs and ribcage.

I step forward, the screams of the stories of 2018 continuing their protest and, at the same time, the tingle of the possibility of my wings rises to meet the noise.

With a deep breath in, a prayer for grace and a tear rolling down my cheek, I jump.

A final prayer silently bubbles up from my womb as I begin to fall again:

“Please catch me, please lift me, please help me remember my light,” I beg 2019.

“I’m ready. I trust you.”

Something within guides me to look up I look up, and, for the first time in a long time, I notice the vast and infinitely expansive space above me.


photo :: Jeannette Breward Photography