tending to and nurturing our inner child
I woke up that morning, after a weekend of overriding and pushing past my inner and outer boundaries (no shame or blame here, I have had colossal improvement in this area), feeling hungover – achy, tired, inflamed, heavy, and spacy all over (these symptoms that, if I had pushed harder, would have been diagnosed as one of the autoimmune disorders.)
I immediately jumped on the “‘I’m-going-to-do-better-today train”.
I lay in bed, imagining the things I was going to do to help myself feel better – go for a walk, make myself some celery juice, do a yoga/movement practice, tidy up the house, write a post for social media, etc.
As I got up and attempted to start picking away at feeling better, my energy became extremely heavy and I ended up sitting and staring at my phone.
The shame started to creep in. The inner dialogue around “self-sabotage” started to get louder.
But this isn’t my first rodeo in navigating my inner world.
I recognized the pattern fairly quickly (and celebrated myself for doing so.)
If my system was going into freeze and my inner being was digging her heel into the ground and saying NO, then part of me was pushing past her boundaries.
“Sweetie I’m so sorry,” I said to her, turning inward, “I was trying to push you. I’m not going to push you. What do you need right now? Take your time, I will wait.”
It took a while (rightfully) for her to trust that I wasn’t going to continue to push her and for her to soften. I oriented to the room and listened to the gentle patter of rain outside as I waited.
“Earth Medicine,” she eventually stated as I felt my body pulled viscerally outside.
I felt a surge of “push” arise once again as a plan of a long, brisk walk immediately became present in my body.
I sighed. “Sorry,” I apologized to her again, “I will go slow and I will only go as far as feels right for you.”
I walked for about 10 minutes, 35 minutes longer than that internalized pattern of “should” would have pushed for.
I arrived back home and rolled out my yoga mat. I scrolled through my teacher’s embodied yoga practices, and felt my gaze get fuzzy, unable to concentrate on the screen. This time the pattern to push past my limitations didn’t get much of a say.
“Ok, I hear you, s l o w. You be the guide.”
I put away the laptop and started on my hands and knees, a sequence of movements in mind. This push and should just kept sneaking back in.
I pretty quickly ended up on my back. I hugged my knees in, I traced the outline of my body with my hands. I spoke to her:
“I am here with you. You matter to me. What do you need?”
I promised her we could just lay curled up into a ball for as long as she needed. And I meant it. No old internalized pattern of coercion this time (saying that, but secretly only saying it to get to an intended result).
I moved slowly and gently, breathing deeply, but without force, allowing the medicine of the sacred song rhythm and lyrics wash over me and through me. Taking them in as a deep remembrance of the fiercely loving and wise mother, the resource of health, that lived within me.
“Remember why you came here. Remember your life is sacred.” The song transmission from Peia sang to my cells, softening the pressure, and allowing the compassion and empathy of my inner mother to take up more space within me.
Eventually I made my way to my feet, examining them and taking them in with my gaze and the caress of my fingertips, no longer seeing through the eyes of force and coercion, but through the vibrant and alive gaze of sweet compassion and sacred reverence.
When I stood up, she signaled that that was enough and I stepped off my mat to slowly putter around the house. Not long after, I was tending to my list and checking off the things that I had set out to do that morning, but I was doing it in consent with my inner being.
You see, there is all this talk about pushing through blocks, overcoming self-sabotage, feeling fear and resistance and doing it anyways, but when we have created the inner environment of safety, trust, devotion, stability, reverence… of health… there is no need to push or overcome or do it despite of _____.
But our bodies and our beings are highly intelligent and adaptable. They also DEEPLY desire being free and open and connected and purposeful.
So if there are behaviours or actions that are seemingly self-sabotaging, or resistant, or stuck, etc, it is not because there is something wrong with you or something you need to fix, it is pointing you to listen closer to your inner being, who is likely f*cking terrified that she will continue to be pushed past her limits and boundaries, to not be seen and heard and held and honoured for her wisdom.
If you find yourself “stuck” in these patterns, please know, and I will repeat:
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU.
But there is likely a young and tender part of you that is injured, alone, deeply hurting and terrified.
Just like we wouldn’t attempt to heal a broken bone by blaming the arm for not doing what we want, but instead put a cast around it (cocoon of safety) and tend to it, feed it the attention and medicine it needs, and do not push it to fully function until it is ready, and even then, we slowly titrate back into functioning (or else risk the likelihood of re-injury and a longer healing process.)
We must also tend to and nurture our inner child and give voice to our inner mother.
This is what I call the EarthSovereignty Initiation, and it is inviting us to resource our fiercely loving inner mother so she can hold space for (and create a cocoon of safety) the healing of the terrified inner child.
It is inviting us to more fully embody the qualities of ease and trust and instinct/intuition and belonging.
And this is especially important for the women-identifying leaders, healers and mothers who have escaped a narcissistic relationship, where all the needs, desires, innocence and innate intelligence of her already hurting inner child have been amplified, shattered, manipulated, turned against her, and quite often left for dead.
Life will invite her into the EarthSovereignty Initiation until she can tend to, nurture, and embody these sweet, innocent, divine parts of herself.
Because the innocent nature of the inner child is her life force that cannot be diminished, only hidden away and forgotten.
She desires nothing more than to be remembered and will continue to whisper, nudge, push, pull, scream at her until she pays attention to, recognizes, and embodies the divine wisdom and worth and unique medicine that she holds within her.
She can then step into her SovereignQueen, a whole and richly full and overflowing woman, ready to serve her family, her community, the world as a leader, healer, mother of Divine Feminine Wisdom.
I will soon be launching a unique, specialized, potent program of support for those women who know that walking through the Elemental Initiations post narc abuse into their SovereignQueen will give them the freedom, ease, trust, belonging, and relationships that they so deeply long to experience. More info to come.
photo :: Nicolett Jakab