who am I beneath it all?
Who am I beneath the flowy shirts, yoga pants and adornments?
Who am I beneath the wavy golden hair always flipped to one side?
Who am I beneath the strong, flexible, soft yet solid, tired, heavy, aching body?
Who am I beneath the soft skin, the painful acne, the deep dark bags, the glowing cheeks?
Who am I beneath the sometimes hollow and empty, sometimes radiant and glimmering eyes?
Who am I beneath the outward appearance?
Who am I beneath the passionate teacher?
Who am I beneath the intelligent student?
Who am I beneath the entrepreneur?
Who am I beneath the lifetimes of experience?
Who am I beneath the ever expanding intuition?
Who am I beneath the powerful facilitator?
Who am I beneath the confident embodied movement?
Who am I beneath the words?
Who am I beneath the roles, the titles, the purpose?
Who am I beneath the endurer?
Who am I beneath the mother?
Who am I beneath the seeker?
Who am I beneath the lightworker?
Who am I beneath the procrastinator?
Who am I beneath the athlete?
Who am I beneath the never-ending-thinker?
Who am I beneath the feeler?
Who am I beneath the fierce queen?
Who am I beneath the ancient stories in my bones?
Who am I beneath the identities?
Who am I without the family?
Who am I without my son full time?
Who am I without the financial stability?
Who am I without the house?
Who am I without the culturally accepted belief of what love and relationships can look like?
Who am I when I have nothing left?
How do I speak to myself when everything has been stripped away?
Who believes in my goodness, my worthiness, my value when everyone else disappears?
Who do I show up as when it’s just me and me?
Do I believe the one beneath it all is worthy of love and belonging?
This past year has quite literally stripped away everything and everyone that I thought I knew myself as, anything that was comfortable, anything that was familiar, anything that was safe, and left me rolling around with, navigating and getting to know all the things that were hidden away underneath the privilege of comfort, familiarity and (perceived/false) safety.
The external appearance that I hid behind for most of my life, the role of a leader that gave me permission to take up space, the momentum of my business that gave me a sense of worthiness and validation, the motivation, inspiration, passion and clarity that got me through my days, the ability to move my body without being in debilitating pain, the (perceived/false) safety of being in a relationship…. gone.
“Find your sense of worthiness , value and belonging without all of these things,” my soul, cheekily but lovingly, asks of me.
So many of us spend our lives trying to avoid our shatter point, the breakdown, the dark night of the soul, rock bottom… and for good reason. I will never sugar coat the process, which is why I honour the bravery of all of the warriors of light that chose this work.
There are still many parts of me bellowing, “THIS FUCKING SUCKS! NO MORE! WHY THIS? I FUCKING HATE THIS! I CAN’T DO THIS!”
But there are parts of me, increasing in steadiness by the moment, that say softly but firmly, “Yes, yes this is what you are here for. Yes you are worthy of love. Yes you belong here. Yes you are worthy of taking up space. Yes I will stay here with you in the midst of this pain and chaos. Yes there is light on the other side. Yes this is all very exciting. Yes thank you for choosing to do this. Yes, yes, yes.”
Each day, without diminishing, pushing away or invalidating the first voice, and without expecting it to be a linear process, I can create space for the second voice to take up more airtime within me.
But from the moment of the shatter, I knew its purpose, and though I have had my fair share of kicking and screaming and resisting and hating and blaming and judging all of it…
I knew without a doubt that the other side would be worth it.
I know that this was the contract: to have all of the privilege, comfort, familiarity and false safety dismantled, shattered, burned up, and stripped away, so I could reignite an intimate relationship with myself and Spirit, reunite with my impenetrable, unbreakable core and begin to move through life from this place…
…to truly live for the first time.
And so I continue to show up with a willingness to see the parts of me that still gaslight, bypass and manipulate myself away from my truth, and grow ever-deepening roots that help me stand in the truth that I deserve to be loved and that I belong here for no other reason than that I exist.
Thank you for being here and sharing this journey with me. If this resonates with you, here are some reflection questions that you may wish to journal on. Feel free to share what feels emotionally safe for you share in the comments below:
Can you connect to your unbreakable core?
What parts of you feel unwavering in their truth?
Have you experienced a shatter point or rock bottom in your life?
If so, was it an opportunity for you to deepen into a more real and full life?
Or do you feel yourself avoiding a hard choice in life?
Do you feel you are worthy of love and belonging?
Do you feel you have to do certain things or be a certain way to bring value to your life or to others?
If so, what are they?
What would happen if you lost everything? Who would you be left with?
If there was something that part of you needed to hear, what would it be?